Starships Full Of Guilt
by The Dark Knight's Revenge
Summary: When Spock fails to have his back after Pike's death, Kirk finds himself upset over the Vulcan's lack of acknowledgement to their friendship and lashes out, leaving their relationship tested during the mission to recover Khan. Can they put their friendship back together before their rift alters the course of time? After all, what is a Captain with his First Officer?


Kirk raced over to where Spock was kneeling next to the couch where Captain Pike lay unmoving. The Captain's blue eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling and Kirk reached frantically for a pulse, unbelieving as his fingertips met with only cold flesh.

"No..." He said, feeling the unwelcome burning under his eyelids. He was barely aware of Spock at his side. He felt himself scrabbling hopelessly at the Captain's burnt uniform, feeling the congealing blood from Pike's chest wound ooze onto his fingers.

The tears spilled forth, and Kirk found himself sobbing on Pike's chest. In the space of a few minutes, the Captain he usually took for granted... was gone. Pike had lost his life because Kirk hadn't acted fast enough.

"Kirk..." He heard Spock say his name. Kirk pulled himself together and unlatched himself from Pike's body, wiping his nose as he stood up.

Spock remained staring at their former Captain's empty shell and Kirk grasped his shoulder, wishing for the world that Spock would do something, anything that could comfort him in the slightest. The tears slowed but didn't stop.

Spock looked at him, took in Kirk's disheveled state, and slowly rose. Outside, the air relief vehicle lights flashed, sending colors through the destroyed room.

"He's gone." Kirk said, swaying on his feet. Spock's eyes glistened but did not spill over. He looked as if he were searching for the right words to say.

Kirk felt a flash of anger as his best friend just stared at him... Damn unfeeling Vulcan. Couldn't Spock see that Pike's death was affecting him? Gritting his teeth, he glared at Spock and walked curtly from the room.

Spock watched Jim go then looked back to Pike, the emotions from the mind-meld still swirling inside of him. Silently, he got up and followed Kirk.

* * *

Kirk wished for the world that he had a slamming option on the door to his quarters. The nearly imperceptible whoosh as the door slid shut behind him just wasn't satisfying enough after what he just went through.

Kirk felt more tears escaping before he could stop them. Why did Spock have to be such a... such a, well. Rock. Sure, he was half Vulcan but Kirk thought that they were on better terms than just Captain and First Officer. After all, they'd saved each other's lives how many times?

Ever since Pike had found him alone and beaten up with tissues hanging out of his nose, he had secretly held Pike in high esteem. Not that he would have ever let the older man know, but after the rescue from Nero's ship and Pike's giving over command of the Enterprise he became a father figure to Kirk.

No denying it, Kirk felt lost. He had lost his captain, his ship, and now it appeared he had lost his first mate as well.

"Damn it, Spock." He said, wiping his face and going over to his kitchen area to pull out a bottle of brandy. He reached for a glass but decided to hell with it, how could drink from the damn bottle if he wanted.

He had just settled on his couch with the bottle when there was a knock on the door. Knowing full well who it was, Kirk ignored it.

After a moment the knocking persisted. Kirk groaned and went to the door panel.

"Go away Spock." He said, locking the door just in case the Vulcan persisted.

He went and sat back down, taking a heavy swig of brandy. The knocking didn't come again.

Then, a slight scratching sound came from the door, and it opened to reveal Spock. Kirk squeezed his eyes shut in anger.

"Do you take no for an answer?" He asked.

"Mister Scott has been ever helpful in his knowledge of how to override Starfleet locking systems." Spock gave as a reply, the door whooshing shut behind him.

"Wonderful. Please leave." Kirk replied.

"Forgive me, but as you are no longer my commanding officer, you cannot order me to leave you presence." Spock threw back.

"I can pull a gun on your ass, Spock. I think that's a little more than a direct order."

"Negative." Spock replied. "You checked in your phaser at the docking of the Enterprise."

"Get out." Kirk said dangerously. "I mean it."

Spock didn't move. They locked eyes for a moment.

Without warning, Kirk lunged for Spock, the brandy clattering to the floor and beginning to spread across the white carpet.

Spock was caught slightly off balance from Kirk's momentum but quickly regained his footing. He deflected Kirk's badly aimed punch and pushed Kirk away from him. His eyes were worried as Kirk reeled away across the room.

"You are under severe emotional trauma, perhaps-" Kirk let out a yell and threw himself at Spock again. This time the Vulcan let the sloppily thrown blows find their mark, taking the full brunt of Kirk's anger.

Kirk was vaguely aware of his fists hitting flesh, but the anger consumed him until he felt his hand collide with Spock's nose, green blood gushing onto his fist and down Spock's uniform. The Vulcan fell back onto the floor and lay watching him. Kirk stared at his green stained fist in shock.

"Spock..." He said in horror. Spock only coughed in reply. The Vulcan was a mess. Burn marks and stains of red and green covered his uniform, his nose was still dripping, and his left eye was bruised above the eyebrow.

"Spock, i'm sorry..." Kirk said, kneeling next to his fallen companion. He felt the tears start up again.

"I just felt... so... angry..." He choked out in between sobs.

"You were looking for comfort. Namely from me." Spock whispered. "I... was lost for a way to give you what you needed. So I took your beating as punishment."

"Spock, I shouldn't have hit you! You're..." Kirk trailed off, hunching over as he cried.

"Jim, you are suffering greatly at the loss of your mentor. Allow me to comfort you." Spock said, sitting up and wincing.

"You're a Vulcan, you don't know how to comfort me." Kirk replied, pulling himself together and looking up to meet Spock's eyes. What he saw surprised him. Spock was watching him with the most emotions on his face Kirk had ever seen. Shock, anger, hurt, loss...

"I'm sorry. He was your Captain too." Kirk said, feeling instantly guilty. "Let me get you a towel for your nose."

Kirk left for the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face and getting a towel for Spock. When he returned, the Vulcan was sitting on the couch and the Brandy bottle was righted on the coffee table.

Kirk tossed the towel to Spock and went to get another bottle of the nearest liquor. He found a rather strong tequila-like substance and brought the bottle and a glass he filled with water over. He set the water down for Spock and sat in a chair opposite the Vulcan.

Spock looked at the glass of water, then took a sip. Kirk took a large gulp of his bottle, coughing as it burned its way down his throat.

"I'm sorry." He said after some time. Spock, who had been staring at the wall, glanced at him.

"I just... don't know how to handle this." Kirk continued.

"Well." Spock replied, choosing his words carefully. "If anyone will figure out how to proceed, I have little doubt it will be you."

"Thanks."

The silence settled in again, making Kirk itch.

"How do you do it? How do you keep from handling your emotions?" He asked. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"It is, ah... rather hard to explain." He replied, finishing his water. Kirk sighed and took another swig of his own drink.

"Jim, if you will?" Spock said, holding out his glass and indicating towards Kirk's bottle.

"I thought Vulcans didn't drink?" Kirk asked.

"In light of recent events, one would be welcome." Spock replied. Kirk shrugged and poured him a half glass.

"To the Captain." Spock said quietly. Kirk raised his bottle. The raw feeling inside of him still hadn't gone away or been numbed by the alcohol.

The two men sat in silence for sometime more as sirens wailed outside.

"Spock? Do you know why I saved you from the volcano?" Kirk asked.

"I assume because you seem to show an extraordinary level of feeling for your crew on the enterprise." Spock replied.

"Is that all you can come up with?" Kirk asked, annoyed now.

"I beg your pardon, Jim?"

"Stop calling me Jim, it's weird."

"What do you suggest I call you then, since I can no longer call you Captain?"

"Fine. Call me Jim. Just don't make it sound weird." He growled.

"I'm afraid I do not know what you are referring to." Spock replied.

"I bet you don't." Kirk said, rolling his eyes.

"Is there a reason you are unusually hostile towards me tonight?" Spock said. Kirk remained silent.

"Jim?"

"Your refusal to admit that we are friends when you are my best and possibly only friend in this universe, Spock. That's what bothers me." Kirk finally said.

Whatever Spock was expecting him to say, it obviously wasn't what he did. The Vulcan looked as surprised as an emotionless being could.

"I must admit that I am... surprised by this admittance." Spock said. "I was unaware that you valued our relationship so highly."

"Oh, come on Spock... How many times have I saved your life? How many have you saved mine? I think it's obvious that we are more than Captain and First Officer!" Kirk shouted.

"I..." Spock seemed lost for words.

"You've seen me at my strongest and my weakest, Spock. I thought that I could trust you."

"You can trust m-" Spock was cut off as Kirk stood suddenly.

"-The other Spock told me himself that you end up to be my oldest and dearest friend or whatever. I don't need oldest or dearest right now. I just need to know if you have my back. Do you?" Kirk said.

Spock opened his mouth, then shut it. The silence dragged on.

"Out." Kirk said, pointing to the door.

This time, Spock left, leaving his barely touched drink. Kirk looked out the window to avoid the Vulcan's hurt and questioning look, not bothering to turn around until he heard the whoosh of the door shutting.

Kirk sighed, the raw feeling inside of him multiplying to the size of a starship, reinforced by a cargo of guilt.


End file.
